All's well that ends well

I married a hypochondriac. A lovable, funny hypochondriac, but a hypochondriac none the less.  For the last month he's been dying of colon cancer. He went to his doctor, who ran a bunch of tests, and found nothing wrong. The doctor wouldn't give him a colonoscopy, because it hasn't been 5 years since his last one. So he went to a GI specialist, who scheduled a colonoscopy and an endoscopy.

Now it's not that there's nothing wrong with Aaron. He does have a hiatal hernia, and some issues with his innards. But he most definitely does not have cancer. Nor has he had cancer the other 82 times he's been convinced he had cancer.

So Thursday night we had a prep party. This is where we all stand around in the kitchen while he drinks his disgusting prep liquid, and make poop jokes. Aaron sings a rousing rendition of  "I like to Move It" (see I told you he was funny) and I put the portable DVD player in the bathroom so he can watch Seinfeld during his long stay in the john.

Friday I drove him to the hospital, and picked him up with many happy drugs in his system. I love happy drugs. I wish I had more occasions to take them. Hey, maybe that's why he goes to the doctor so often, so he can have all those procedures where they give you happy drugs. After receiving $1000 in medical bills last month, I need to tell him it would be cheaper to score them on the internet.

Unsurprisingly, he was clean as a whistle in more ways than one. No polyps, diverticulosis, or other UIO (Unidentified Intestinal Objects). After the happy drugs wore off I gave him the happy news.

    "Wow, I thought I was dead."
    "I know."
    "I was sure I had cancer."
    "I know honey. You've been sighing when you lie in bed at night, a lot. I knew you were wondering if your life insurance policy was adequate."
    "Yeah, I was. But, wow, I'm OK."
    "Does this mean we can stop talking about bowel resections and colostomy bags?"
    "For now."
    "Until the next time you get cancer?"
    "Yeah."

I then had to delicately broach the subject of possibly cutting back on his visits to his team of medical experts for a while, because we're going through money like it's water. It sounds a little cold when you ask someone NOT to go to the doctor, but the kids and I need our teeth cleaned, and I really DO have cancer. Nothing to worry about, just some places on my face where I need to have Mohls surgery. My doctor in Ohio told me a year ago I needed to have them done. Yeah, I'm kind of the opposite when it comes to going to the doctor. My epitaph will read "But I'm not sick!" and his will read "Now do you believe me?"

Comments

[lizardek]

I think Aaron has quite a bit of competition on the "funniest" label for your family :) Hee!

[MonsteRawr]

Forget the internet; I'm pretty sure you could get some much cheaper and much happier drugs from some guy in an ally. Along with a Rolex and some kidneys.

[Sam]

I'm thinking you could have a fund for Aaron within the family budget, and present him with a little card on his birthday and Christmas - "Happy birthday, you're scheduled for an MRI!" or "Merry Christmas, honey, enjoy your colonoscopy!" Everybody wins!

[DM]

Oh, Sam, that made me giggle.

I'm glad Aaron doesn't have cancer. That would be bad. And I hope your cancer, though mild, is okay soon.

Oh, the missing post on my blog? It was about how I told the hot dentist he was hot while on Nitrous Oxide. Happy drugs are fun but lead to dangerously embarrassing situations!

[scott]

You may think me a weirdo, but I just got a joke you made three years ago in a blog post.
I didn't get it then, but it suddenly came to me.
Your humour stands the test of time.
This was a kickass post, too- you should be selling this, it's so good.

[Bev]

Hi

My name is Bev and I am a Grandmother hoping to become a GG (great grandmother) in the not too distant future. I wrote and illustrated a book entitled Wool E. Woola. You can see the first 16 pages of this charming children’s book when you visit www.moonbowpress.com . This is a very small publisher, only my friend and I.

If you wish to purchase Wool E. follow the directions in the site. However, since so many Moms need to earn extra money today, I would be happy to help you sell Wool E. Woola from your home or for your kid’s school or wherever for a fund raiser. If you do wish to sell it, contact me at moonbowpress@aol.com and I will email you information about how to go about doing so and how much money you can earn per book.

Even if you do not want to either buy or sell Wool E. Woola, I would appreciate if you would give this information to your friends.

Thanks,

Bev

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

My husband's tombstone will also read "But I'm not sick." That or "I know it sounds like I'm dying, but it's just a respiratory infection that lingers. It'll go away in a year or two."

That man, I swear, I have to beat him up and shackle him to get him to the doctor.

[Lynn @ human, being]

Seinfeld would make an episode of this blog.