Is There A Support Group For This?

Grrr, insomnia visited me again this morning. 3:30, and Will needed me-- just for a minute, but I couldn't get back to sleep. I did lie in bed until about 5:30 though, thinking I might go back to sleep, but no. But, the good thing is that Will didn't sleep well either, so maybe he'll take a nap today, he usually doesn't.

Anyway, I was lying in bed, thinking. (Danger, Will Robinson!) The other night Emily slept over at a friend's house, and after we had said good-bye, and were loading her stuff in the van, she said she was really thirsty. I told her I'd get her something to drink, but she needed a drink "now" and wanted to go back up to the house. Which would have been fine, if I were a normal person.

See, internets, I have a wee pathological phobia of imposing on strangers, and I had only met these people once. So in my head I'm thinking--- actually the weirdness I'm about to reveal doesn't even occur in my conscious mind. It takes place in a more primitive/non-verbal part of my brain. Maybe the reptilian part, because you can't escape your biology, and I come from a very long line of polite and courteous reptiles. When they gathered at the watering hole, they always let the other reptiles have first pick at the insects

Aaaanyway. In my medulla oblongata, I'm thinking  "But, but we left over a minute ago, good-byes and thankyous have been said! Look! The door is shut, and those poor people have already resumed their lives, and are carrying out Very Important Activities, and you want me to go up there and ask for a glass of water?!"  And then? They gave her orange soda, which is just above and beyond the call of duty, and so much more work than a glass of water, because they had to open a bottle, and orange soda might be their favorite, and this might be their last bottle, and OH THE HORROR! I felt weak and dizzy, but I didn't want to ask to sit down.

And all the while, I look like a normal person on the outside.

Now this doesn't often occur with people I know, or people I'm doing business with. Then, I usually don't have a problem asking for what I want. In fact the last time I bought a car, I'm pretty sure I heard a cheer go up as they locked the doors behind me, because I very politely asked for what I wanted until their ears bled. But strangers? Scary and unpredictable.

Other occurrences:

• Retail Stores. "Help? No, I do not need help, I'm sure I can just wander around it the kitchen-wares department looking for a chestnut knife until closing time, because I don't want to force you to do your job. I definitely do not need any help."


• The Post Office. "I know you said when when I was through filling out my mailing form, I didn't have to wait in line to finish the transaction. I know you said I could just boldly march to the counter, ahead of everyone. But a line? Consists of people! ahead of me! People who are doing very important things like... mailing stuff.


• Restaurants. "Yes I know your little brother just spilled grape juice on your kiddie menu, and ruined your drawing, but I could not possibly ask for another menu because they only have a stack of forty-eight hundred sitting at the hostess station, and some other child might need one. Besides, all the great artists integrate mistakes into their work, that's what makes them great!"

And yet, somehow despite my debilitating handicap, I manage to get out of bed every morning, and interact with total strangers. I ask for help! I cut in line! Sometimes I even TAKE THINGS BACK FOR A REFUND! The other day I was waiting for a new girl to cut my hair, and she was talking to another customer about hair coloring, for about 10 minutes into my appointment, and I politely reminded her I had an appointment! I am so brave and strong! How do I do it, people?! I should definitely be on Oprah.

Comments

[lizardek]

Not only should you be on Oprah, but I think she should give you a new car.

[Mary Jo]

I am the same way. Since I have been working at the answering service though? Yeah I have no problem just telling someone off. I still can't cut ahead in line though.

[Angela]

Hi. I think we're related. I am soooooo bad about stuff like this. I'm good with going on Oprah, if it wouldn't be too much of a bother for her to fly me all the way from Ohio. I could probably drive if that would be more convenient for her :P

[Fraulein N]

Heh, that sounds exactly like me.

[Amanda]

Are you sure you're not a man? This all sounds a bit like a general reluctance to ask for directions, no? ;)

When I feel like I'm putting others out, I just try to remind myself that people ENJOY helping others. It makes them feel good about themselves. And who am I to deny them those good feelings?

[Kira]

A support group? Can you imagine the logistics issues?
"Can we meet on Thursday?"
"I'm sorry, I had surgery scheduled for that day...BUT I CAN CHANGE IT!"
"NO NO NO, I'M SORRY, we can pick another day."
"NO NO NO NO, it's just SURGERY, I don't need to make things difficult!"
That is why there is no support group. Which is a shame, because I could use such a meeting. If it wasn't too much of a bother.

[giddy]

You mean that's not normal? For me it plays out most ragingly when a phone call is required. You want us to order a pizza? Well okay, I say, and I hand that other person the phone. I'd rather COOK than make that phone call!

I think it's an ISTJ thing. My dad has it bad too. In 1994 when the Rolling Stones were on tour, I realized that my dad had never seen them despite being a huge fan...and that it was mostly because getting tickets was too much of a bother. So I overcame my icks and MADE SOME PHONE CALLS to SOME BROKERS, and by golly, he went to see the Stones. He (and I) both get what needs to get done done.....but if it's optional, all bets are off.

Anyway, the same internal monologue over here....hope you get some sleep soon!

[bluepoppy]

*laughing hard* I was going to post a comment here but I forgot what it was when I read Kira's-- because hers made me laugh so hard. But I think it was something along the lines-- you are wonderful and I like how your mind works-- wait, does that sound like I'm ignoring the difficulty it causes you with insomnia? Gah-- I meant-- oh sh*t, I'm going to over analyze this, aren't I?

[That Girl]

Ha. I think this IS our support group.

[Africableu]

Your glass of water/orange soda dilemma sounded like "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie." :)

[Marilyn]

Ahhh, Politness Disease...as a long-time sufferer, let me tell you: NO, there is no support group. We must all suffer quietly, ALONE. ;) It's the disease that caused me to spend my entire childhood visiting other people's home and always refusing food when it was offered to me. Cookies, even! What the HELL?! What kind of kid turns down a plate of cookies when it's stuck under her nose? The "It's not polite to eat other people's food" kind. I know my mother raised me to be polite, but somehow I don't think that's what she had in mind...

[liz]

It is debilitating. I'm completely impressed with how well you are overcoming it.

[carmie]

bravo! keep up the assertive work!

inspired perhaps by your post, today i worked up the guts to tell the hair-stylist to STOP CUTTING MY HAIR. i say 2-3 inches, he says 8. i finally put on my glasses after thinking, "hrm, it's feeling a bit breezy up there!" when i saw the lamb-like shearing, i piped up.

and the hair-stylist was miffed.

i'm proud of myself, but it's really short :(

i hope you can draw similar inspiration and hopefully stop the stylist earlier than i did.

[carmie]

i also hope i can squeeze the word "hope" into a comment at least a dozen times next time.

[Julie]

Maybe it is an ISTJ thing. My parents made me learn very early how to talk to strangers, but that never changed the fact that it made me uncomfortable. I'm much better now, but I can still imagine that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach while calling someone I didn't know to ask them for information, feeling sicker and sicker with each ring.

[Ashley]

Can't be just an ISTJ thing. Last time I checked I was ENTJ and I do it too. Maybe it's just the 'J' thing.

[callistawolf]

I very easily could have written this very entry. Well, except for the "when I'm doing business" part because I suffer politeness disease in those circumstances too. At least 90% of the time.

I fear ever having to call someone on the phone, even if they have told me to several times and I know them fairly well. It's a sickness.

[Jenn]

I too would rather clean our toilets—and the neighbors' toilets—rather than call the babysitter or the pizza place. I agree, it is a terrible, terrible sickness.

[Steph.]

LOL at this one! I can SO relate to so many things--maybe we're related somehow! Insomnia...the wake-up with child and then think the rest of the night...doesn't that just bite? The inner thoughts...the non-confrotational/non-imposing self. Yep, it's all there for me too. In fact, I avoid CALLING people sometimes and send email instead, so that I don't IMPOSE. How weird is that?

[Nina]

heh!! So not me, I'm more the "hey look at me" type! But I do understand that stranger anxiety!

[Hula Doula]

Sensitive Politeness...It's a scary disease. I have it as well!

[scott]

I battle with insomnia. My plague is to gnash my teeth over work experiences. Also, I frequently have little people climbing into the bed. I also hate asking people to do things. I prefer to wander around trying to do everything for myself. Result? Lots of unfulfillment.

[Molly]

I'm very impressed with the comment you made in the hairdresser. I clam up in there like nowhere else.

[DM]

It's funny but I'm the one that always ends up making the phone call or going to the door to get the pizza or asking little old Portuguese men for directions because we can't find a Roman temple (A Roman temple. It's huge! How can you not find it?) when the only Portuguese I speak is obrigada and sacana (thank you and rat bastard). My friends are the bravest people I've ever met unless they have to talk to strangers or ask someone for something.

You should all spend a day with me, I'll cure you of the excessive politeness. I did it with my roommates when we first moved into our apartment.

Keem: Oh, Jeff, you can have this room.
Jeff: Oh, no, Keem, you can have it.
Keem: But Jeff, it'll be fine, etc.
Jeff: No, no. You take it.
Repeat 50 times.
DM: My God, you people are too polite. Keem, you're taking this room. Jeff, you take this room. Shut up already.

For some reason they said I was rude. But it worked.