In Short, I Have A Lot Of Guilt

Allow me to tear my hair in angst for a moment, will you? I'm plagued with guilt, and I do not seem to be able to get any relief for it. Like eczema of the soul, but without the itching. My problem, as I've whined previously, is that I feel like I suck at this mothering thing. I feel like I should constantly be having tea parties and making Play-dough sculptures, and the truth is, I have a low Play-dough threshold. I wish that archaeologists would unearth some ancient scroll that would give specific directions, like a recipe, on exactly the right way to parent. And even though I know I wouldn't be able to do it, I could see how far I'm falling short. Why do I think that would make me feel better? Okay, crappy wish, never mind. Instead, I just wish I could feel a swell of pride, or even a modicum of peace about the job I'm doing. Then I think about families all over the world whose members have been hurt or killed by recent bombings, or who are dying of AIDS, or starving, or being oppressed, and I feel guilty just for being so blessed, and whinging about my petty problems. I always feel this way on vacation, because I have nothing that needs to be done, and still I don't spend enough time with my kids. If guilt were people, I'd be China.

Comments

[Marianne]

Kids are bottomless pits of need. It doesn't matter how much time you have spent or will spend with them and the ratio of that time to the things you have to do also doesn't matter. It isn't enough and it never will be enough. Telling myself this sometimes makes the guilt go away for a bit. Also, I'm pretty sure it's true. They have to have SOMETHING to "work through" when they are older. It is probably going to be about you and be your fault anyway, so why bother trying to prevent it? Have fun on the rest of your vacation!

[bluepoppy]

oh my god--- though I honor your feelings I must tell you YOU ARE CRAZY! You are the most fabulous mom ever-- if your kids know they are loved and their stomachs don't grumble at night with hunger and gangrene is not prospering on their flesh-- THEY ARE FINE. Truly.

More than that is just cake.

[Nina]

You're not alone. All parents have guilt about the things they should do or shouldn't do. I think it develops right with the fetus and stays inside after the baby is born!

[Melissa]

The fact that you worry about this proves that you do not, in fact, suck at motherhood.

My mother worked full time as long as I can remember, but when I think about my childhood, what I remember is the stuff she did - birthdays, singing (badly) in the car, dance lessons, not the stuff she didn't do.

Not every mother is a cookie-baking, classroom-attending, play-dough loving kinda person. But it doesn't make them better or worse.

[angie]

I'm sorry to inform you that you cannot be China all by your lonesome. You see, I am China, too. I work full-time and worry about how this will affect my children....and those days when I absopositivalutely must be at work, and a child whines to me "Mommy, I don't feel so good" and I lose my mind and insist that he goes to school/day care until at least noon so mommy can get something accomplished at work....oh my, oh my, oh my. I feel like the world's biggest butthead. I guess I console myself with the fact that they will work it out with their therapist when they get older and realize what a screwed up mom I've been.

Seriously, Sheryl, I think you are a fabulous mom and you are doing great! We can't all be Donna Reeds, and just how much fun could she have been anyway???

Also - is there somewhere on your site where I can apply to live with your parents? I would very much love to do so! I'm house-broken, quiet, and can clean up after myself. I learn new tasks quickly and am very efficient. :-)

[Wende]

Everyone above is right--but lamenting guilt is also part of the therapy. So... lament away. :)

Oh and for the record, I too appear to be China. Will the real China please stand up!

[Susan ~ Dances with Minivans]

Honey, we all feel the way you do at times. Like being a mom is pushing the biggest rock on earth up a steep hill. I really think that if you care enough to worry about whether or not your doing a good job, it's a sign that you are doing a good job.
I've never been a mom to entertain my kids, (playdough or otherwise)and you know what? My kids know how to entertain themselves, and I enjoy them more because of it. That way, when we do something together, it's special and we all have more fun because its not some drudgery part of motherhood than I'm doing because I feel like I have to. (and to me, hours of playing legos is drudgery that give you cranky kids who demand your time rather than appreciate it.)
Take a deep breath, go have a glass of wine, and put your feet up. You'll feel better. I promise.

[lizardek]

Yes, but can you use chopsticks to eat peanuts?? PS: I'm right there with you on the not spending enough time with my kids no matter how much time I spend with them.

[liz]

Ditto to what everyone else said. Give yourself a break, guilt weighs you down and makes it even harder to enjoy your kids.

And besides, guilt is what THEY are supposed to be feeling.

[sarah]

I am all over that guilt thing. I'm trying to get used to it, 'cause I'm pretty sure it'll be here 'til I die.

[laura]

I'm just catching up here - truly horrific picture of your dad's foot. But funny, too. I have my own deep well of guilt over my kid, but eh, he'll be fine and I'll get over it in 20 years or so.

[Donna]

Thanks for that post, Sheryl. Between your confession of guilt (which sounds a lot like mine) and all the comments, I'm feeling a lot better about my own guilt. Crazy what we do to ourselves.

[Very Mom]

Oh yeah? Well I'd be the entire European continent. I have successfully whittled down my work load which results in scads of time for crafty type finger painting kid fun but what am I doing instead? Obsessing over bedroom paint colors and office organization while my kids watch Noggin. Every morning I think, we will have fun today! We will go to the park and build a tree house in the back yard! After we plant some trees! And then all of a sudden it is bed time and I haven't done a single solitary award winning parenting thing.

Even if there were a dead sea scroll with magical parental instructions, I'd still suck because I wouldn't get around to reading it.

[Marilyn]

Personally, I think from everything I've ever read here that you're a GREAT Mom. Why are Moms so hard on themselves?? Tell guilt to stick it you-know-where...you deserve a guilt-free vacation.

[samantha]

I agree with everything all the wise women have said before me - and now that I look back on my childhood, I see I had mother who was wonderful to me, who made me feel loved and encouraged me every step of the way. She didn't play with us all the time, and we were really just fine. So go read your favorite book, and let your kids play. Let your guilt go climb a tree!

[Celeste]

Since you asked, here is the secret to enjoying tons of time using Play-Doh:

Be a small child. ;o)

The whole point of growing up is to be bored to freaking DEATH by hours spent playing with Play-Doh, so consider yourself a raving success. Hey, it works for me. LOL!!!

I get DD started on something and do it with her for a few mins, but then I fade away to take care of some task or to read for a while. I figure that I'm modeling great behavior every time that DD sees me reading.....meanwhile there I am with a Janet Evanovich novel dreaming that Ranger is hot for me rather than goofy little Stephanie Plum. I mean seriously, how could he resist. Bahahahahahahaha!!!

[Africableu]

I personally believe that Play-Doh is a special toy of the devil - it's messy, crumbles all over the floor, and gets forver embedded in the couch and blankets; along with Silly Putty, it is banned from my house. My kids go to their friends' houses and return with tales of longing for the magic of Doh.

"Tough," is my response.

And I used to think that I had to play with my kids all the time, then I remembered my mom never played with ME, and I have nothing but fond memories of my childhood. Where did this "You have to play with kids all day, every day in order to be a good mommy" idea come from, anyway? I'll tell you where - from someone who's never HAD kids, that's where.

Guilt-schmilt.

[Robin P]

My mother has always loved me and my sister very much. I would never doubt or question that. Did she play with us? Hell no! Read to us? Nope. I played with and read to my sister because I am 12 years older than her.
Did I resent my mother? Nope!
We were loved and we knew it. Parents didn't entertain their kids back in the olden days and it wasn't expected that they would.
I just do my best every day and if Lillianna is disappointed because we didn't go somewhere to have fun I tell her that I can't entertain her every day. I have my own things that I want and need to do. As she is getting older she has really been able to grasp this. Keep mom happy and the whole family is happy.
Don't stress. None of us has a clue as to what we are doing. I tell Lillianna that all the time and she's not worried so neither am I!

[Karen]

I have three children and they are a bit older now, and I still sometimes get overwhelmed with sadness for the things that I've done and for the things I've failed to do. I try not to dwell too long or too hard on these things because I know that for the most part, my heart has always been in the right place and I think that if your heart is in the right place, you can't be all wrong...

[scott]

The secret is this: if you do everything right, your kids end up drooling in a padded cell, you do it all wrong, they end up robbing a bank...
The best you can do is get them to put the tiolet seat where it belongs, and say 'excuse me' when they fart.

[Christel]

I have a low low play-dough threshold also... and I can SO identify with the guilt trip!