What I Lack In Frequency, I Make Up For In Long Windedness

I haven’t posted in almost a week! That would be due to Will giving up his nap. *weeps* But I have been traveling through the blogosphere and I’ve been bumping into Judith Warner a lot. So here’s my two cents long discourse on the matter.

Warner wrote ''Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety''. Warner’s basic question is “why has this generation of mothers, arguably the most liberated and privileged group of women America has ever seen, driven themselves crazy in the quest for perfect mommy-dom?” She argues that it is, in part, because we do not have enough programs and support from the government.

I’m not arguing with Warner’s complaint that we don’t get enough help from the government. I’d like a nice tax break so I could hire a nanny. But other generations of mothers haven’t had anymore government assistance than we have (except during WWII), and from what I can tell, they did not have to be revived with smelling salts if Johnny rode his skate board without knee pads. Nope, I think Warner missed the boat on this one.

I think it’s our view of children that’s changed our approach to motherhood. Until pretty recently in history we didn’t pay much attention to how children developed. We thought of children as little adults, and we thought of babies as little larva blobs (oops, never mind, that was probably just me). It was Erikson, Piaget, and yes, even that hater Freud, who began to draw attention to the importance of child development in laying the foundation for adult mental health.

But this is America, and we said, “Hey, we can’t just let those European theories prance around like Lippizaners all day. We need to put them to work.”  And here in America? We love us some formulas. We love 12 steps, 10 commandments, 7 habits, 3 easy pieces, and a partridge in a pear tree. So we tried to concoct various recipes, to ensure our children would turn out perfectly—the Children As Soufflé school of parenting. Add two other ingredients: our heart-exploding, mind-blowing love for our children, and the popular notion that children are as delicate as bees wings and will be irreparably damaged if they are inhibited, frustrated, corrected, or deprived. Mix them all together and you have one huge figgy pudding of guilt and perfectionism that we'll be eating for years to come. I think the idea that children are as fragile as robins' eggs leads us to a lot of hyperbole about how we are THE WORST MOTHERS EVER. Think about how often you’ve heard someone say that, or how often you’ve said it yourself. I mean we must be THE WORST if every small misstep is destroying our delicate little flowers, right?

But! On another level, we know how powerless we are. We know that children are born with temperaments, and wills, and desires, and also that the world is a big, bad, or at least big, painful place. So here we have these wondrous people whom we love so much it hurts, yet we know our ability to protect and control them is miniscule. No wonder I’m a twee neurotic sometimes.

Now, for the one person still reading (Hi mom!) I know this is over simplifying, but let’s pick an age group—say infants, and see what Erikson said about them. Basically, he said make sure your baby is fed and warmed and snuggled. See? See how freeing that is? I can hear the collective sigh out there. You are not a pervert if you co-sleep with your child, you are not monster if your child sleeps in another room. Breast feed until age 7? Peachy. Formula feed from day one? Nifty. Just feed them--something. Preferably not pepperoni and shellfish smoothies, but to each her own. And Piaget? He said make sure your baby has things to see, and hear, and suck, and feel. See? He doesn’t even mention Mozart, or red, white, and black toys designed by “development specialists.”

There are as many ways to raise children as there are children. And even if parents make the mistake of doing things I disapprove of, like making their children eat everything on their plate,  or making them wear a dunce cap and stand in the corner, or having a strict no-wire-hanger policy? Those children will probably turn out just fine. One time Aaron’s grandmother fed Emily Skittles and Pepsi for breakfast, and just the other day she left for school without her coat. Will she grow up to be a felon as a result? It’s hard to say; people are unpredictable.

Comments

[Vicus Scurra]

Thank you, worth waiting a week for. Excellent.

However, you mention how easy it is to follow the basic requirements of Erikson and Piaget, and yet gloss over Freud. Is there something that you are feeling really, really guilty about that you would like to tell us? OK, you have fed and entertained your children, but exactly what is it that you have done to give them an enormous complex for the rest of their lives, other than recording all of their intimate moments on the internet so that they and all of the people they have ever met will be able to refer to them? You can tell us, we won't tell anyone else, honest.

[firefall]

Good post. One thing you missed tho, the result of treating children "as delicate as bees wings and will be irreparably damaged if they are inhibited, frustrated, corrected, or deprived" is that the coming pair of generations will be the most spoilt, self-centred, rotten swine to walk the earth (and after the last 3 generations, that's really saying something)

[Wendi]

Great post! It would be nice to see Mothers calm down and quit stressing about trying to make their little ones, "perfect".

I see it a lot with my kids friends. Even though they are a little older (15 and 9) some Mothers still started to get caught up in it all. My daughter has one friend who is an emotional mess because her mother is constantly pushing her into something new, whether her daughter wants to do it or not.

All I know is that I didn't do anything "special" with my kids. They were allowed to explore the world on their own. One went to preschool (because he needed the experience of being in a classroom, one didn't)...They slept in their cribs, ate formula, watched cartoons....and both are good human beings, in accelerated programs in their respective schools, bright kids, A students.

It didn't seem to hinder their growth...they were loved and respected to the best of our ability. Hopefully, they will continue to grow to be good people. All I can do is My JOB...the Best I can..the rest is up to THEM!

And all I did

[Sheryl]

Vicus Scurra I refrained from listing things I have done to psychologically scar my children, since this post was already quite lengthy. But I will be continuing this post, and parts 2 through 8,650 will be wholly devoted to listing my offenses against my children. Happy reading!

[Vicus Scurra]

Stop making me laugh, I am supposed to be working.

[Tricia]

I agree with you and Getupgrrl on this one!

[That Girl]

It appears as if more than just your mom finished the post. Good post!

[Mary Jo]

I love this post... thanks. I think I should build a library of good ideas for when I start having kids.

[cursingmama]

We were supposed to feed them?? Great Post!

[Amanda]

People have been criticizing parents forEVER - nothing we ever do or say can't be contradicted the next day by some new thoery (or even by our own mothers-in-law). But it's ALWAYS been like this. I jsut can't understand why is this generation of mothers so damned SENSITIVE about it?!?!?

[Very Mom]

Worth waiting for, excellent. Now... I just need to think of something else to feed Nathan since shellfish smoothies are now out of the question.

[lizardek]

If this is the kind of thing we get after you take a week off...then I'd like to encourage more 7-day breaks, miss Sheryl. :)

[bluepoppy]

Brava! Brava!

[Donna]

I agree with what you have to say - but also agree with much of what Warner is saying. I don't think of her call for more support as a means to hire a nanny -- our parents didn't work as long hours as our generation does and they had the security of paid health insurance that covered everything (instead of HMO's that increasingly shift the burden of payment onto the employee). My dad retired with a pension *and* social security -- my husband and I will likely have neither. I lived in a neighborhood where all the moms stayed home and the kids wandered from home to home to play and everyone felt secure about it. Today, I am considering sending my daughter to a middle school that is five miles away (even though we have one within walking distance) because I'm terrified to let her walk on the street because you hear too many stories of dirt bags who abduct children and teens on their way to school... gang violence... etc. These are not things our parents had to deal with and they are things that stress out today's moms, and are a factor in the move to keep our kids busy after school at all costs.

I'm not saying it's simple; it's truly complex. And I'm glad that a national publication has paid some attention to the issue and that it has fostered this much discussion among us all.

[Kelli]

Great post! I love all these discussions on over-parenting, mommy drive-bys and "good enough" mothering and I'm so glad that the majority of moms out there are not of the "treating children as delicate as bees wings" school of thought.

[kath]

I have two adolescent girls, and I must point out that they're another end of the bee entirely.

[samantha]

I've read all the stuff over at Chez Miscarriage re: Judith Warner, and watched the Today show segments (where it really seems to be about Katie Couric lamenting this or that) and it's all very interesting, even though I'm not a parent. I do think women feel so pressured to parent perfectly, and it's a shame. I hope I remember all of this when my time to be The Best Mother Ever (ha!) comes.

all of that to say, great post, Sheryl!!

[Nina]

Great post, and so much of it I agree with, I would certainly wait a week for another one like it!

[Jenny]

Brilliant. I love it.

[Lizzie]

Terrific post, Sheryl! I agree with you, on so many levels, and I honestly have a problem with pieces published like that of Ms. Warner's. I felt it was very one-sided and highly speculative (oooooh...I almost sound grown-up with that one, huh!?!) since she, given the big picture, interviewed/researched a handful of mothers. I don't believe that there's been a generation of mothers that didn't have their problems. My parents often speak of, and I do remember, an easier time - the good ole' days - and I'm sure I will be as well.

That's just how the world is...ideas change, people evolve and thank goodness for it. As a mother of four children, I'm sure that I am making my fair share of mistakes, but the reason I had children was because I felt I had something good to offer, as well. The best thing I want for my kids is to give them the opportunity to do better than I did.

I can only imagine a world where acceptance will be the norm and tolerance a rule.

My opinion...take it with a grain of salt and remember that I'm probably hopped up on caffeine or medication and wrong, anyway ;o)

[mrsrum]

Sheryl, I love your post on this. I have a Bachelor's in child development and have long been telling people those exact same things. Now that I have 3 kids of my own, I practice what I preach. Does it make me a bad mom if my kids skip naps to play with me? No. Does it make me a bad mother to let them crawl in bed with us at night when they are scared and not return them to their own beds? No. Am I a good mother because I love my children unconditionally and make sure that they have everything they need (food, shelter, clothes, LOVE) to grow into beautiful adults? You Betcha! And you know what? I know you are too :)

[Kira]

So...wait. You mean they're supposed to be able to EAT and LOOK at things? Every day?
Shoot. Another thing on my to-do list.
Thanks for this post. We moms really need to lighten up on ourselves.

[Christine]

Thank you for reminding me that I should be thankful that I'm not one of those moms that worries non-stop about being perfect. Kids need to run, play, and even eat dirt once in awhile.

[song]

good post, a lot of stuff I agree with. And even what Donna said in her comment - you can't worry about the perverts and sickos without becoming neurotic. By all means don't let your 3 year old out after dark alone, but I think if more people came outside with there children it would make life a lot harder for these creeps.

I love not being a 'perfect' mum. My kid doesn't have a set bedtime because I would rather cuddle him for an extra half hour if we want to. And while he knows the rules I love nothing more than saying 'go ahead, wear your jocks on the outside and put your gumboots on your hands if thats what you want today' so that my son can have to freedom to make his own decisions while I am still here to guide him.

The feeding part I still haven't got down though, I just let him out to graze every day and sometimes the cats iwll bring him a bird or something. ehh, he's healthy, who cares?