Maybe Kafka Was From Florida

Happy Anniversary from Arizona sweetie, I love you.

Yes, not only is it Independence Day here in the US but it's also my 13th wedding anniversary. I’ll let you be the judge of which historical event makes a better story. The names have been changed to protect the guilty, although I don’t know why, because I wouldn't be writing this if his family read my blog.  It's a one of a kind story so I’m sure those involved would recognize themselves immediately.

Aaron and I were broke newlyweds (which is a whole other post). So we decided to honeymoon in Florida, where Aaron’s cousin could get us in to Disney World for free. When we arrived at “Cousin Bob’s” we were shown our accommodations: an air mattress on the living room floor. Uh, ok. I was expecting the guest bedroom, but I’m a low maintenance kinda gal. We also noticed Bob and Mary’s house was a little dilapidated, but oh well, we weren’t buying the place.

We arrived late in the afternoon and the sun set as we sat around our bedroom the living room talking. As it grew dark, I heard a rustling which sounded like it was coming from inside the walls. I glanced at Aaron and gave him a “Do you hear that?” look. Which he confirmed with an “I dunno what it is.” shrug. Finally curiosity got the best of me.
“Do you hear that sound?” I asked our hosts.
“What sound? Ohh you mean that scratching? Yeah, that’d be the roaches.”
“Roaches?” I said as nonchalantly as I could manage.
Please God, I thought, let them be referring to a local band called The Roaches, who happen to live next door, whose members all play the sandpaper blocks. That prayer was quickly dashed as Bob and Mary told me they had roaches “somthin’ awful.”
“Won’t bother you will they?” they inquired politely.
Bother me? Oh no, I love roaches, right down to their delightful poop brown exoskeletons.

The house was inundated with roaches. They were everywhere. Including but not limited to the walls, the cabinets, and the air conditioner. It was like the International Roach Embassy. Every roach in Florida had scurried in to claim asylum. When I went to the bathroom, two rolled out of the toilet paper. And we were supposed to SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.  I told Aaron that there was no way I was sleeping here; we must go to a hotel, NOW. But Aaron didn't want to hurt his family’s feelings, and didn't see a way to leave gracefully. This is the primary difference between Aaron and me. He is sweet and diplomatic. He's concerned about people’s feelings, and graceful exits, whereas I am concerned with getting out of Hell House. He promised to stay up all night and guard me from the roaches, so that I could sleep. Yes, sleep. Before I had children I could sleep anywhere, under any circumstances, through anything. I was practically narcoleptic. Now I wake up when any of our three children sigh in their sleep, but I digress.

So Aaron kept an all night roach vigil while I slept like a baby. In the morning I awakened to find his face pasty and drawn.
“How bad was it?” I asked.
“You don’t want to know.  And there were spiders the size of my hand.”
Remember Ron from the Harry Potter books? Aaron and Ron have similar crippling arachnophobia. All in all, it was a lovely night. The roaches, doing what roaches do best, had infiltrated all parts of the house. So I got quite a surprise when I PUT ON MY SHOES, and OPENED MY PURSE.

By now Aaron’s family was annoyed with me because I had this little habit of shrieking whenever a roach jumped out at me, which was every 3.2 seconds.
“Aw, come on. It’s not that bad is it?” they chided. 
Apparently the fact that their house was the Notre Dame of roach tourism bothered them nary a bit, and they thought I was OVERREACTING. I don’t know if they were in denial or what, but they barely noticed the many, many roaches pervading the house. Case in point, when we sat down to lunch no one seemed to notice the roach larva in the tuna salad. (I swear I am not exaggerating.) Yes ladies and gentlemen, the tuna salad was moving. I politely declined lunch, turning sheet white.
“What’sa matter hon? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
If only. I wish my horror had been over something so incorporeal.

Well, that’s the story of what I did on my honeymoon, oh yes, and in between  Roachfest ’91 we did  see Disney World. I steered clear of Jiminy Cricket though; I just couldn’t face him.

Comments

[Vicki Smith (CalGal)]

I am not bug-phobic, but roaches--ick. We had something everyone pretended were not raches in St. Louis by calling them waterbugs. We never had an infestation, but the memory of the occasional one is enoough to make my skin crawl.

If we have bugs here, I have yet to see them. Of course, having four cats probably helps too. They are mighty good bug-hunters.

[Shelly]

Ewwwwwww ... what a, er, sweet memory!

[Jae]

Oh_My_WORD. You endured rather gracefully what would have turned me into a sobbing, hysterical lunatic!!! Happy Anniversary, I hope it is creepy-crawly free!

[cyndi]

You don't know me and I don't even know how I found your page but I LOVE it. You are so funny. Except for today. My biggest fear in the world is roaches and my skin crawled reading your entry! I don't know how you did it. You are the bravest woman I have ever read. UGH! But Don't mind me, Keep writing, you are great.

[HG]

OMG. My skin is crawling; my scalp is itching. AAAAAAAAH!

[pam]

Bleah. I could not have handled sleeping on the floor in a house like that. And I'm not sure I would have trusted my husband to stay awake and on guard all night, either!

[jacinthe]

Absolutely hate bugs. The mere thought gives me the shivers. Now I'm probably not going to be able to sleep tonight, just imagining all those roaches. I so would have checked myself into a hotel, diplomacy be damned. After all, do those roaches stay out of your stuff when you tell them to? NO.

[Amy]

The story is funny in person and funny still in blog. Oh for a full body condom!

[Eric]

Ummm....ew. That was perhaps one of the foulest stories I've ever read - right up to the point that the tuna salad started moving. Then it became *the* foulest story I've ever read. Damn the hurt feelings - I'd have been out of there faster than you could say "can of Raid for your nasty-ass house."

[Hula Doula]

Ok one of these years you will need to get away and go somewhere exotic!! We did it this year but it will be a long time before we do it again! (expensive but fun!)

[Zoot]

Happy Anniversary (belated) and what anniversary is the insect one? Eek!

[bluepoppy]

Hmm, as a newlywed perhaps you were not aware that this would be your first challenge to test your recent state of betrothal. Wife says to the husband, "we are out of here NOW." Husband sees never-before-seen look of intentsity in his young bride's eyes. He relinquishes his former gentle, accomodating nature that had been (shall we admit) overdeveloped in his bachelorhood and complies with her direct orders-- cousins' feeling be damned. Because after all, anyone who LIVES as his cousins do in roach infested squalor have long since abandoned what you and I might refer to as "feelings". *sigh* I'm sure you have had many tests since and passed with flying colors since you have a 13 year marriage to celebrate! Congratulations! Happy marriages Rock!

[Busy Mom]

Good Lord! I will never complain again about having to stay at someone's house!

[Sarah B.]

I had to put my feet up on the rung of my chair while I read this. Holy God.

[meryl]

Too funny! I celebrate my 16th on June 11 and we went to Disney World, too!!! Nothing like this, thankfully!

[Amy]

This made me want to hurl. I'm bug-phobic and couldn't have slept even with my husband keeping watch.

And the tuna salad? Oh. My. God.

[Angel]

OMG, how completely horrifying!! Good luck with B4B!

[RobinP]

Yuck!! What a horrible story!!! It sounds like a B4B's winner though!!

When I was 19, I worked in Boston and had a late evening meeting. My Aunt lived nearby so I asked her if I could sleep there after the meeting. My mom was too scared to have me ride the train at night by myself.
This was my dad's aunt and was known for her weird ways.
She brought me home to her small apartment and pulled out the couch/bed for me. She told me not to worry if I saw roaches......it was a huge problem and the exterminator was coming the following day! As soon as she turned the light off I heard....crunching?? I hesitantly looked over the edge of the bed and saw a parade of roaches. I nearly dropped dead but didn't want my body to fall on these dreadful things.

I barely slept a wink. In the morning, when the lights came on, they were scarce. However;I met up with them again in the shower. I was so super creeped out!!!!
Even thinking about it makes me itchy!!!!!!!!!!!

We are going back to Disney for our 1st vacation since our honeymoon 11 years ago but luckily,we didn't have roaches on our trip.

Good luck with the contest!!

[vicki]

okay- the moving tuna salad tipped me over the edge. This is very very funny stuff- just right for B4B! Good luck!

[lu]

ACK! Roaches...*shudder* This story reminds me of the numerous times I have found myself talking out loud during horror films where the characters stubbornly stay in the possessed house despite the obvious signals that they should get. the . hell. out. I kept saying, "Oh, run, run. Take off those stupid high heels and run, already."

"Before I had children I could sleep anywhere, under any circumstances, through anything. I was practically narcoleptic. Now I wake up when any of our three children sigh in their sleep, but I digress." Oh, true. So, so true.

Great essay! I love your blog, your kidlets are just adorable and that ladybug cake? Seriously rocks hard. *gush* *gush* *gush*

[achromic]

That is the worse honeymoon story ever. OMG I think I would have been filing for divorce that night. Sleep in that house........ oooooo I'd rather sleep with Freddy.

[Elisson]

"Roaches!

"Why in the world did it have to be roaches!??!"

[Edgy Mama]

Welcome to the final seven! (Are we a sports team or what?). Great story. I grew up in Georgia (Cockroach capital of the world) and hate the buggers. UGH!

[Mamacita]

Holy scheisse, how awful. I itch all over now, and I can feel creepy bug legs, and I think I need another shower even though my hair is still wet. You have an incredible gift for painting pictures with your words.

[poopie]

International Roach Embassy *snort* Great bug humor!