Vive La Revolucion!

I am a slave to my taste buds. I am such a slave that I will eat junk even when the rest of my body does not want the junk. My taste buds are tiny ferocious dictators who rule with an iron tongue and will not take no for an answer. Last night after my taste buds fell asleep, my brain and other vital organs got together for a clandestine meeting.

Brain: I have had it with this crap. I demand those little despots step down, and I be restored to my rightful place as leader of this organism.

Kidneys: Oh puleez, you’re a little full of yourself aren’t you, Einstein? Anyway, they'll never go peacefully; perhaps we could stage a little coup d’etat.

Brain: Great what are you going to do, pee on them?

Kidneys: Uh excuse me, you're the one with veto power up there. Oh wait, I forgot you have no spine.

Brain: Shut up. They have Cryptonic power. Can’t. Break. Free.

Spleen: Stop fighting. You're only snarky because you've been exposed to so much junk food. Let's focus people.

Pancreas: Look, we've been faithful workers. We are efficient; we all function properly. We never surf the net on company time. I'm sick of being treated like a serf.

The meeting went on until the wee hours, and it's impossible to sleep when you are the conference room where revolutionary organs meet and greet. They hatched a plan for overthrowing the current administration, and made a list of demands. They know what needs to be done. Not to bore you with the gory details, but I need to write it down for myself so that I can permalink this entry in my brain. I know this plan works because I have already lost 30 pounds doing it.

1.  Put the kibosh on refined carbohydrates.  Now I know the low carb thing is getting out of hand in the culture at large. (Low carb ice cream? Let me count the ways that is stupid.) Still, carbs have a huge effect on my mood and energy level. So grains or starches: 1 serving a day.
2.  Water, the elixir of life, makes my body run a lot better.
3.  No snacks. I know most people think I’m nuts when I say this, but it’s what works for me.
4.  1200 calories a day.
5.  Limit junk food to 500 calories a week. I read some really good stuff which says that even people who need to lose weight can afford this in their calorie budget. Also I don’t feel deprived and end up eating Ohio. Some lovely people live there, and I’m sure they don’t want to be consumed, like they’re in some B-movie.
6.  Eat fruits, veggies, poultry, fish and dairy.
7.  Exercise 5x a week. Right now I’m sticking with my workout videos. They’re cheap and convenient.
8.  Do not debate whether or not we want to stick with the plan. If I do, I'll con myself right off my diet.

I'm really not on a diet. I am trying to replace old comfy destructive habits. My habits are like lethal bunny slippers.  My new habits are healthy, but they are giving me blisters while I break them in. All that to say, I use the word diet for lack of a better word.

Anyway, most people fall off a diet like they fall off the sidewalk. They stumble a little, but they catch themselves and quickly regain their balance. When I fall of a diet, I lie in traction for 6 weeks. This is why it is imperative for me NOT TO FALL OFF. However my brain has food related amnesia. I can’t remember why I’m not supposed to eat cheesecake or whatever delicacy is hypnotizing me, and at the time it seems like the most reasonable choice in the world. And it’s all down hill from there.

Also my brain has health related amnesia, because it cannot remember how good it feels to practice healthy habits. When I am on the wagon, I love the wagon. Why would I ever jump off the wagon? I want to marry the wagon and have it’s little splintery children. The same with exercise. My brain foolishly thinks we hate exercise, because what we hate is the first 1.5 minutes of exercise. Basically my brain sucks. I should fire my brain. But that is another coup for another day. Today it is my taste buds. And those suckers are going down.

Comments

[Mir]

Power, Sheryl! You go, girl! You sound ready and vastly able to triumph. I will just sit over here and continue being a fat slug, but you... you go triumph! Yeah! ;)

[Shiz]

Rock on, girl. Go on with your bad self.

I always have to remind myself that what I eat is my diet. The concept of "being on a diet" is silly; those people mean that they are restricting their diet. Our diet is what we consume. Ever watch a show on animals or other cultures where the anthropologist says, "The Howler Monkey's diet consists mainly of leaves and grubs." The Howler Monkey is not on a diet. He just eats stuff and the stuff that he eats is his diet.

(steps off soapbox)

[Hula Doula]

Ok You've encouraged me to get up off of that thing and get it movin!! I just got back from Europe and it is time to do something about my weight.
Stay strong girl!! You can do it!!

[HG]

I think we may be twins.

[Marcia]

I am also a slave to my taste buds.

I love what you said: "My taste buds are tiny ferocious dictators who rule with an iron tongue and will not take no for an answer." Now I feel better. I didn't know what I was up against until now.

[bluepoppy]

"When I am on the wagon, I love the wagon. Why would I ever jump off the wagon? I want to marry the wagon and have it’s little splintery children. The same with exercise." I am putting these words up on the wall above my desk!! This was the best post because it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today and my brain and organs were hosting no such conference--- au contraire.

[pam]

Love the diet regime. Sounds sensible, and doesn't eliminate whole swaths of food groups!