Next Stop: The Conniption Olympics

My son Will will be two next month. Much of the time he is a sweet, giggly cherub. But I must admit, I can see the twos looming over us. Lately he’s been in training for the world renown toddler triathlon “The Whinin’ Man”. It’s 45 minutes of screaming your lungs out followed by 10 minutes of banging your head against the dishwasher and finishing with 20 minutes of throwing your toys at anyone who comes near you. It’s a grueling course, but we think he’s ready.

In all fairness, I have to take some responsibility. Will is my third child, and by the time you have child number three you’re a little more relaxed, or beaten down as the case may be. When Emily and Haley were Will’s age if they asked for m&ms for breakfast, I would simply say “I’m sorry, you can’t have m&ms for breakfast. Maybe you can have a few later after lunch, how about some oatmeal?” And that would be that. No amount of surliness would make me give in. Now breakfast goes like this:

Me: I’m sorry you can’t have m&ms for breakfast. How about some oatmeal?
Will: No!
Me: Toast?
Will: No!
Me: String cheese?
Will: No!
Me: Gingered lamb shanks with with sweet potato souffle and a touch of creme fraiche?

This goes on until I exhaust the inventory in my kitchen and there is nothing left to offer except cornstarch. Then Will spends some time training for the triathlon. Finally I say “How about if I put m&ms in your oatmeal, Sweety?” More training ensues. (He’s really dedicated.) “Okay slugger, how about a nice big bowl of m&ms? Would you like some Pepsi with that?”

I’m exaggerating of course, because Will doesn't speak much English yet. He speaks Honk. When he says yes, or no, or I want the other one you idiot, he makes this honking sound. It’s a softer version of Tony Randall’s “Felix” on The Odd Couple having an allergy attack. Kind of like a pigeon with adenoid trouble. Anyway, he spends a good deal of time honking at me.

And persnickety! Sheesh, It’s like living with Joan Crawford! If we’re playing ball I can only roll the ball to him. I am not under any circumstances to bounce the ball even slightly or it will sound as if our house has been descended upon by Canadian geese.  And heaven help me if I do not understand immediately what he is honking about.  Woe unto me if I put the sandwich on his plate instead of his napkin, hesitate for a nano second to pick him up, fail to give him the right stuffed animal at naptime, and how could I be so stupid, and why is it so hard to get good help these days. There is an entire written manual for how I am to behave when he is sitting on my lap. I am not to bounce him on my knee, put my arm on his back, or sing. If I do anything except my best impersonation of the Lincoln Memorial I’m doomed.

Lately he has been giving raspberries to show his displeasure. When I violate protocol in any way he lets loose with “ppsbppsssbbst!”. That’s only because he hasn’t learned how to flip me the bird. I think that’s part of next year’s competition.

Comments

[Mir]

Oh dear... you have me rolling, over here... how I miss the 2s... NOT! Sounds like you have a fine athlete in training there; you must be very proud. ;)

I have a two year old boy also. My condolences.

[Gerhop]

I am so glad that someone else in this world puts up with the same 2-3 year old craziness as me!! My daughter has had this "attitude" (that's what I call it) since day one. I have always said she is her father's child. Your description is exact and hilarious! I am cracking up!! Good luck, be careful it's dangerous out there!! Don't even attempt to cut an orange or pull off a paper towel, these are just a few things that have brought the wrath of Hannah down on me in the past few days. How many ways are there to cut and orange or pull off a paper towel? ;)

[Marianne]

Sheryl, I just wanted to let you know I unlocked my journal again so you can read it. Your comment that you missed it made me feel so good! I didn't actually think anyone read my journal, so I didn't think it would matter if I locked it up. It was stupid though because there was really only one entry that I didn't want people to read, so I just got rid of that one and then unlocked it.

Anyways, also as far as the calorie thing, my minumum is always 1200. One time I tried to do a few days of 1000 calories and I felt really sick and headachy so I decided that I needed a minimum of 1200. I try to stay in a range of 1200 to 1500 calories a day and so far I have always lost weight, except for when I was on vacation. But I am 5'7'' so I don't really know how that affects anything. I haven't talked to a nutritionist about this either, just flying by the seat of my pants. My insurance wouldn't cover a nutritionist even though my pcp tried to refer me.

[Lei]

You have one of those at your house too?

[myllissa]

That is hilarious. I'm sure it isn't much fun to be a part of, but reading about it is a hoot! I don't have any children yet. And honestly it's because I wouldn't know how to handle a two year old. I just don't have the patience or discipline to handle them. I need to grow up before I have kids. How aweful is that?!

[Raj Sodhi]

Sheryl, you are a BRILLIANT writer! It is *such* a pleasure to read your blog. don't stop. I was laughing out loud at numerous points...