Paper Napkin

I'm lachrymose about the lack of posting, but I've been sick this weekend. I figured you didn't want the blow by blow of my chills and fever, so I spared you. Your welcome.

I really don't have much to say.

Hey, did I ever tell you how I carried my mother in-law around in my trunk for a year?

It's been about 7 years since my mother in-law died. We weren't close. She had a lot of mental illness that went undiagnosed, and in the 12 or so years Aaron and I were married before her death, she probably didn't say more than 100 words to me. She never sent anyone in our family any kind of present or card, and actually now that I think about it, I don't even think she ever called us. A lot of women would've taken that personally, but I figured on the giant spinning Wheel of In-Laws, the arrow can stop on "intolerable harpy," as it slows to a stop and just misses "mostly nice, but a bit of a martyr," so someone who completely ignores you isn't too bad.

Anyway, when she died, Aaron cremated her remains which were given to us by the crematorium in a grey plastic box. We put the box in the trunk of our car for the 8 hour drive home. And there it stayed, for a year-- maybe two, I don't remember. I had no idea what do do with the ashes, and hey, not my mother. If that seems cold I don't mean for it too, it's just, not my mother, ya know? So eventually I moved the ashes from the trunk of the mini van to the wheel well. There she sat, with the lugwrench and the jumper cables. Whenever I was back there digging around, I'd stop and say hi, and ask her if she was comfortable. She didn't really respond, which was, you know, so like her.

I'm not one to nag, although I did mention a couple of times to Aaron how he might want to do something with his mother who was sitting in my trunk. Finally, one Memorial Day, I bought a nice vase and put the ashes in there, sealing it with a lid made of styrofoam and a nice arrangement of silk flowers. And now they sit on top of our entertainment center. She watched a lot of TV, so I hope she's happy there.

Hello! I have a cold, and a migraine! In spite of that we've had a great Thanksgiving. In fact I'm thankful for my headache, because it means I have a head! If I didn't have a head I couldn't eat pie or think deep thoughts. Actually, I didn't have any pie yet, because although my new low-sugar lifestyle includes desserts on major holidays and candy at the movies, I can't eat when I have a migraine because of the nausea. So, there's another reason to be thankful: fewer calories. I'm also thankful for hot compresses, dark rooms and complete silence! And, exclamation marks! Now I'm going to go lie down in my bed, for which I'm also thankful.

Small Hours

Wow, I thought I posted that interview on Sunday, but it was Saturday and here it is Tuesday, which really doesn't matter, because who's reading this anyway?

I woke up at 3:00 this morning, and my brain had started without me. It was already warmed up and cranking out thoughts for a while before I got there.

This time of year is a little tough for me, because when you grow up with alcoholic parents the holidays are a little dicey. Of course, even if you're parents were teetotalers the holidays could be pretty dicey, but that's someone else's wee-hour blog post. 

Denial is such a weird thing. My mechanism for it seems to be stronger than most. When I was in my early 20s I was at a party, and a friend read my palm. She said that I had had a very traumatic childhood, and I was all, what the heck are you talking about? My childhood was fine. And I was not lying, those memories were locked up so tight somewhere, I had no idea my parents were alcoholics. My memory was like one of those writing desks, with all the pigeon holes. Everything neatly compartmentalized, and there were certain holes I never looked in. It was only a year later when something would happen and it would hit me, like a snowball to the side of my face.

There have been other times too, a bit different because they were in the present, when I would have a niggling feeling in the back of my head that something was a little off, and then years later would shake my head and wonder what in the world I was thinking, and I how I didn't see what was as plain as the nose on my face. I guess because you can't actually see your own nose. It's a blind spot, and we're much better at seeing other people's blind spots than we are our own. 

So sometimes, like this morning, my brain goes into overdrive looking for those blind spots. Are there back alleys of my life or my character I walk right past without glancing down?  And I worry, because it's hard for your brain to wake itself up, especially when it's as efficient as mine is at keeping things under wraps. I worry for my kids and wonder if there's some gaping hole in my parenting where I will look back and say, now, years later, I realize that you shouldn't let your children leave the house without pants. Why did no one tell me this?

It's one reason I scrutinize my behavior so closely for The Normal. Sometimes I feel like a reptile living among mammals. Wow, those beings over there seem to be able to raise and lower their body temperature without the aid of sun or shade. And they are having live babies. I wonder how that's done? Is there a class I could take or some operation I could have to function like that?

Then, after some time spent worrying, my thoughts slow. I can feel my muscles loosen. A small ripple runs through my chest, like my stomach is growling, but higher in my body. Maybe my heart is hungry. I sigh a big sigh. I tell myself, hey self, you're limited. The job of infinite omniscient being is already taken. Even your powers of self-evaluation are limited. I say a small prayer. God, help. I hate to trouble you in the middle of the night, but you're up anyway, and I need your help.

I am lacking. I try for a moment to sit with my lacking. It's very uncomfortable. Like sitting with all your clothes on in a bathtub full of tomato sauce. I try to sit with it anyway, because there's no getting away from it.

Then I tell myself what I tell my kids: What's happening right now? Is what you're worried about happening right now? Let's be where we are. Frankly, it's one of the best things I tell my kids, even though they don't always hear me. Then I sigh another big sigh, and practice acceptance.

I'm here, under my warm covers, in my warm house with people who love me, whom I love. I say a small prayer. God, thanks for the warmth and love, and please provide for people who are without warmth and love. I often pray this strange little prayer.

I tell myself, the only thing I need to be doing right now is resting. Not even sleeping because I have no control over that. It's another thing I tell my kids. You can't make yourself sleep, but you can make yourself lie still and close your eyes.

I lie still and close my eyes.

Interview A Blogger

I signed up for Neil's Great Interview Experiment, and Heather was my subject. Take it away Heather....

A little intro about me first-- My name is Heather, I'm 25, I live in Indianapolis and my fiance & I are getting married in January.  Things are a bit crazy around our house-- planning for a wedding, getting married in 2 months, I'm a full time Radiology student with a focus in Infant Nuclear Medicine, studying for my first round of state boards, and of course I'm working full time. I blog at www.singingwithmyheart.com Anyways, here are my answers to your questions.

 

1   What are the best and worst things about you?

-- Hmm, the best things about me?  I'm kind, caring, compassionate and I am fiercely loyal until the very end, almost to a fault.  The worst things about me?  I am ridiculously over-sensitive, I take things too seriously, and I can be entirely too trusting at times.

2   What natural talent or trait would you like to be gifted with?

-- While I am artistic by nature, I would love the ability to draw or paint.  It's always fascinated me.

3   What is one event in the future whose outcome you would like to know now?

-- I would never want to know the future.  Ever.  I can tell you that if I had known at age 16 what my life would have entailed from ages 18-21, I can say honestly that I probably would have ended my life at 16 and wouldn't have wanted to live through the horror of what I lived through.  Now, however, I am glad that I made it through those rough years, because I have come out much stronger now, and have used that strength more recently to speak out against domestic violence, sexual abuse, and sexual assault.  That being said, even now, I still wouldn't want to know what is going to happen in the future.  I enjoy living in the now.

4   What would you like to hear God say when you arrive in Heaven?

-- Welcome home.

5   If you could be the spokesperson for any product on the market, which product would you endorse wholeheartedly?

-- This was a tough one for me because I don't really do the whole "review" thing that well-- I hate being in people's faces about stuff, but.. I'd have to say Clinique's 3 step skin care.  Everywhere I go, people tell me I have fantastic skin-- I have good skin because I take care of it with Clinique's 3 step skin care, and have since I was 11 years old.  It's the one product that I use on a regular basis that I can honestly say is worth the money, and that I will shell out the cash for, hands down. 

6   When you're having a bad day what's the best thing you can do to cheer yourself up?

-- Play the piano or take my dogs for a walk.  That's a tie.  I love my fiance, but playing the piano gives me a release like you wouldn't believe, and walking my dogs allows me to see beauty in places I never thought possible.

7   If you could swallow a pill that would stop anything of your choice from ever happening again what would the pill permanently end?

-- This is a tricky question for me because I take 17 pills a day anyways, so the thought of taking ONE MORE PILL is quite daunting.  That being said, if I could swallow a pill, and end all of the different abuse in the world, I would.

8   What is the best hundred (or so) bucks you've ever spent in your life?

-- See question 5 ha ha ha ha.  Although, a little bit goes a long way with that stuff, so luckily, I only have to shell it out twice a year-- usually Christmas and my birthday :)

9   What is something you really enjoy doing that is a chore or a bore for many people?

-- I absolutely LOVE to iron.  Set me up with an ironing board, iron and the TV and I am a HAPPY girl!

10  What sound or noise do you love?

-- I'm going to cheat and list all of my favorite sounds.  Bells from midnight Mass at Christmas, a babys laugh, leaves crunching, christmas music, birds chirping in spring, the silence of snowfall in the dead of night, a full choir singing, and last but certainly not least music--any and all kinds.

Sweet Petunia, is it STILL November?!

So update on The Lovely Bones. It's really hard for me to assert myself y'all. But you gotta go to bat for your kid. I haven't read the book, though I've heard good things about it. I'm sure it would be fine for some kids, but Emily is really sensitive.

So I went to the school library this morning and traded it for Ann of Green Gables. I spoke with the librarian, who was very apologetic. I asked if there was a section which housed books that had more mature content. She said there wasn't but that she would mark it with a YA sticker, which is how they warn that the content might not be appropriate for some students.

It was fine, and easy. I don't know why I feel intimidated by people. I'm a level-headed reasonable woman, so why wouldn't people want feedback from me?