Health

What is my problem lately? I've been going to Weight Watchers for a month. And I'm just not that into it. In fact I would venture to say I've done a little rebellious eating over the past several days. Since Aaron is on a diet to I feel it necessary to hide my junk eating. Also we have a rule that we don't bring it in the house. But I have eaten dessert out no less than 4 times last week. 4 times!

I can't figure myself out. Why the angry eating? What am I rebelling against? Aren't I the one who started the healthy eating trend? Haven't I pleaded with Aaron to do something about his high cholesterol? Don't I want to be a healthy weight? Okay, there is a part of me that wants to stay the way I am, but can't I let the rest of me ignore that part? Or at least keep it in its proper place? I'm going to visit my parents at the end of the month, and I have never ever been able to eat normally there. I have to eat junk because it's forbidden. And maybe that's what I'm doing now. I'm eating it because it's forbidden-- which it's not. Except Aaron's not eating it so I feel like I shouldn't either. Which was not the original plan. Somehow it's morphed into something else... a diet. I don't do diets well.

My way of thinking of really messed up. It's a fear thing. That's why I don't want to lose weight. I don't want to have to deal with the changes. Changes in the way other people view me. Changes in the way I view myself. Changes in the way I'm treated. Changes in the way I feel. But I suppose that's going to happen anyway, just by virtue of getting older. There are a lot of reasons and circumstances those things change. Age, weight, marital status, income, race. People instantly look for a way to peg you. I do it too. We have to have some frame of reference for people. Some assumptions we can make about the way people are, for our own comfort level. I just need to deal with it. If people bring up the fact that I've lost weight, I need a polite way to divert them. And let's face it, that set of problems is a long way off, why court it now?

Holy Moly!

I just did the calculations of the calories I can save on break at work. I usually by chips from the machine (300), but if I take some olives or an apple or something instead (75-100) I'll save at least 300 calories a week, 13lbs a year!

I guess I can't really count that as a net loss, because I've only been working there about 3 months, so it's not 13lbs I'd gained yet. Oh well, at least I'll spare myself gaining it. (Why am I disappointed about not gaining 13lbs when I would have been thrilled to lose it? I'm warped.)

Change #2 is going to be switching to skim milk, instead of 2%. I'm guessing I drink a minimum of 3 cups of milk a week, that's 36 calories a cup. That's about a pound and a half a year.

I don't want to make any changes I'm not 100% willing to make, but I think I can also give up fast food. Really, I eat it more for convenience sake than anything, so I can eat the salads if I have to. Honestly I don't think I'll miss it that much, and it's SO bad for me. I'd say I average about once a week (maybe more, but I'd rather ere on the low side). That's 890 calories, or 13.25 pounds a year.

Truly this is helpful. I'm all about payoff. If I can't see a payoff, I just won't do something, and the problem with losing weight is it's so bloomin slow. But if I think of it in these terms, I can see how it's worthwhile.

Time for me to tackle my weight problem and bad eating habits again. My plan at the moment is just to make small changes. Change #1: No more butter on my bread. Instead I'll use I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray, no calories. I use about 1t of butter (at least!) on my toast. If I have toast 3x a week, that's a savings of 104 calories. 5300 calories a year, or 1.5lbs.

I haven't been doing well since I got back from vacation. I'm out of meds. All the crap I have to do seems overhwelming. Yes there's that word again. Maybe I need a tattoo with the chinese characters for overwhelming. I got up early this morning to try to get some stuff done, but here I sit, procrastinating, because I don't want to face it. Better get my butt off the chair.

Um it's 9:00 and I've already had several cry fests this morning. Some days I just can't cope. I feel the fear fluttering around the corners of my mind as I'm doing dishes or putting in a load of laundry. Fears of how I'm going to do all the crap I need to do. Worries about how I need ot find a way to enjoy this homeschooling thing not just get through it. Discouragement about always having under $10 in our bank account at the end of the month. Crap, I just remembered Will's tuition is due today. The office is a mess and the light is burned out, and I'm too short to replace it. So I have to teach someplace messy and dark all day.I don't want to go back to bed because I know behaviour like that only makes it worse. It feeds on itself.

This morning Haley woke up at 4:00 and made a big fuss because I wouldn't let her get in our bed. By the time her shenanigans was over I was too mad to sleep. Good Morning! I have to take Emily to take the state exam for 3rd grade reading, which means I have to have everyone in the car by 8:00 this morning. Yeah. This is sure to screw up our day of home schooling too. It's not a great start to the week people.